They call the Midwest US 'America's heartland'....but lately, I've just not felt any sort of 'heart' or feeling.
After living 9 months in the lovely land of green, I'm feeling a bit stuck; a bit perplexed as to what comes next and where I belong. I think I face these feelings every time i return 'home' -- you know, that not quite 'fitting in' feeling, even tho' you know this is where you grew up, played, laughed, suffered through the many pains of adolescence. I have great memories here, but it's all feeling so far away at present. I feel removed from that life.
With this disconnected feeling comes bouts of self doubt and wonder....such as 'do i really want to be back in the US?' do i really belong here?
I don't know.
If I can't stay in the EU (legally and financially) and I can't afford to truly travel as I'd like, where then, do I belong?
I live a different life and view the world a bit differently than my friends and family....those who i love and cherish and have a very deep history and connection with - yet, feel still a bit out of sorts. My views and opinions, my priorities and passions are all different. The idea of mortgage, marriages and children just don't do it for me at this phase of my life -- this, the very 'phase' when everyone tells you (society that is) that you "should" want this stuff.
All I can think about is finishing my doctoral research, my work -- getting back out in the world and re-connecting. Exploring and learning. Photography and writing. Volunteering. Don't want the house, the gas guzzling car or any of those trappings. Love family, love friends....just don't envision myself here.
My next 'step' was to find a full time job and save up a bit of cash, since Ireland depleted me. I sort of feel like I "need" to be in DC for the work I am doing....for now. The idea of being in DC originally excited me. i would be able to re-engaage on the issues, get more involved, etc, etc.
Now I just want to pack up my camera and hit the road again. I know, it may sound irresponsible to those of you who read this blog, but it's just in my genetic make up to wander....to find the next big (or small) thing. I feel totally alive when on the road. Need to figure out how to blend these desires with a more practical plan to actually make a salary.
Hundreds, if not thousands of folks have gone before me -- found a way to stay on the road and sustain thyself.
